Nonfiction Workshop Class

*names have been changed

I'm in a Nonfiction workshop class right now, and we've gotten some pretty interesting, funny, and painful pieces over the last four months or so.

But one has never hit my so hard as this one piece that I just read from this girl in my class, Nicole.
It takes place in a service home for memory-challenged adults and seniors, and she's sitting in with her mother that has a severe case of early onset dementia.

This would be shocking in itself, but then it gets worse. Nicole's narrator describes a scene before her mother was placed in this home, when Nicole's aunt was visiting to help care for the family. Nicole comes down into the kitchen after hearing a gasp and finds her mother and aunt crying, only to find out that "your mother just asked me to kill her."

Nicole's response: "oh!"

She goes on to explain, at the utter confusion of her aunt, that she and her siblings were so used to her mother's death pleas that the question had lost its "shock value."

This part pushed me to tears, after sitting on that thought for a while.

I mean, I can't imagine the heartache and confusion and shock that would come over me if my mother ever told me she wanted to die, and then asked me to do it. Like, double punch to the face with that.

So for me to find out that this girl that I have gotten to know through her writing and through her comments in class for the last four months has had to go through that makes my heart hurt for her. And even more so when I realize that she not only so accustomed to her mother's behavior and condition that she can write about them in such a flippant way, and then reveal this part of her life to a class of sixteen near-strangers...i just can't really fathom the depths of this person.

I can't even start to bring up the loss of my grandfather nine years ago, and this girl is constantly living in this situation, having it rip open her heart day after day.

I...I just can't.

Phones

I'm a writer, so obviously, I like texting for a number of perfectly logical reasons:

1. It's writing
2. It gives me time to think about my reply
3. I can "ignore" it more easily if it's from an "undesirable"
4. I can reply sassily and sarcastically without always making the receiver aware

I don't like talking on the phone for another number of perfectly acceptable reasons:

1. The mundane chit-chat that is required before we can actually get to the point of the conversation
2. How hot the phone gets, thus making my ear incredibly uncomfortable
3. The requirement to "leave the room" so as not to disturb whatever's going on in the place you were originally
4. Reception is necessary
5. It's harder to ignore
6. You have to think up responses on the fly, often making a fool of yourself or getting caught in a fib*

What I actually really hate about my beloved phone now, though, is not its call settings, but its attitude.
That's right, my cell phone has developed an attitude problem. It decides, randomly throughout the day, that it is just going to turn itself off. But that's not the worst part, no! When it's off, it also decides that, no matter how much battery there is left, it's going to flash its  SAMSUNG start-up logo...again...and again...and again. It's pretty much a guessing game as to which time I press and hold the power button it will actually try to power on.

It's very frustrating, because it often likes to turn itself off as I go to look at my Weather app, or it really likes to drop my calls and not turn back on for about 40 minutes. It really likes to do that one.

I've tried to see if it needs a software update -nope.
I've taken it to the Verizon store -of course it doesn't do it then, so they all think I'm crazy and don't know what to do for me.
My contract doesn't expire for another year.





* -outright lie

Boys

At first I thought I couldn't get a boyfriend because I wasn't pretty, or I wasn't interesting or whatever. Then I thought it was because all the boys at my school were gay (well, 75% of them, anyway).

So I went online to a little dating website for students/young adults, made a profile and waited.
Trust me, you don't have to wait too long, especially if you just have the page open on random nights at, like 2am. It just takes a while to find someone of quality to talk to you.

I started talking to this guy Mike* and we got along really well, so he wanted to meet up and hang out. We had a really fun time, but it was right before Winter Break, so we didn't really get the chance to see each other again. Also, I'm a texter, he's a caller. So communication doesn't always (EVER) work out well.

We got back to school and saw each other again, and we kissed that night, and I think that's when I figured out that I wasn't attracted-attracted to him. Like, he'd be the BEST best-guy-friend, because he's funny and he's easy to talk to, but I don't know, the spark just wasn't there for me. I'm still willing to keep talking and trying, but I'm just not as enthusiastic about fitting it into my schedule as I was before.

This is when I figured out that, while I'm not gorgeous or very exciting, I'm mostly just too freakin' busy to have a romantic relationship! Seriously, I've got 4 classes, an internship 16 hours a week, I have an on-campus job, I'm producing a show every week on my school's channel, I'm working on another show that airs live twice every week, factor in travel time from my apartment to campus and back each day, AND I have homework to keep up with as well as roommates to keep happy so they don't kick me out.

I don't have time for a "caller," I barely have time for another "texter." Not to mention the stress of figuring out when Mike's breaking point will be. Like, I feel like a terrible person because he asks when we can hang out again, and plans these really cute dates, but I always have my show to work on. I feel like one of these days he's going to say "quit giving me bullsh*t and just tell me if you don't want to see me." The problem is that a show is a lot of work and huge time commitment, even when splitting the responsibilities between two people.

Then he leaves cryptic messages when he calls and I can't pick up, which tell me absolutely NOTHING about why he called, meaning I HAVE to call him back eventually, without any idea of what kind of conversation I'm walking into.
I don't like this lack of control, or communication, and my friend Kate* insists that he's got something bad to tell me -which is probably true. You don't send a text saying "Hey call me when you get the chance" and without leaving a voice message without it being something "unsavory" to talk about, right?

Ugh, I know I'm probably a really weird person to put my work and school above a personal relationship with a guy, but why shouldn't my career be more important than this person I don't really know? They aren't more important than my best friends (most days), but why can't this guy just, like, GET that these things that will further me in life are more important to me than finding the time to hang out with a guy I probably won't talk to again after his graduation this Spring? In fact, BECAUSE he's graduating in a few months, shouldn't he understand better than anyone how important hard work and dedication to my committed projects is to my future?

And then there's the possibility that I'm getting worked up over nothing, which is usually the case with Mike.


*all names have been changed in protection of me

Sorry my Life is Boring

My life isn't exactly exciting to anyone outside of my circle of friends (hell, it isn't very exciting to people IN my friend circle), but I can't share my anger or sadness on my regular blog (amyliz07.blogspot.com) or on Facebook or on Tumblr anymore, so I have to start a e-diary of why I hate people.

That was a run-on sentence.

So if you're reading this, you have my undying gratitude and pity, because you must be pretty bored to take any time to look into my problems.